Run You Junk Rabbrit

09 October 2008 @ 06:03 am

I have to work tomorrow morning. Dammit. I hate my job, of course. Because the owner is a fucking cold ass old white bitch. Worse than anyone I've ever worked with before, Amy quit yesterday because the pshyco bitch kept flipping out on her about stupid pointless shit. Maybe instead of shooting shot after shots of Patron at work she should start shooting some meds....bipolar crazy ass bitch.....anyways......I don't think I'm going to have any luck finding another job with the economy among other things so I'll have to stick it out there for a while, yeah being a waitress with no customers.....no tips.
As if things will ever get better in the US...with the fucked up government completely screwing us over everyday.

SOOOO David said our "deadline" to get married is Feb. Haha. I have 2400 saved up so far for it, but obviously we would need more for the honeymoon (because I need to get the FUCK out of Georgia for at least a week) and rent ETC, we "I" finally decided that we would move in with Michael. Much to my dismay, It will help us. But with the money I have saved up I'm going to have to put some toward my car, which I'm afraid is already dying on me more than ever...I really hope it will last so I don't end up using our wedding/etc money on another car. We would just have to start over again.
I don't want to live in a apartment.
I can't even sleep in dead silence.

I hate money. I hate American. I hate Sarah Palin. I hate the GOVERMENT.
I hate how every single quater we got from the bank at work features ALASKA on the back. Every. One.
Wtf? Conspiracy? Haha.

I guess I'm voting for Obama....if I can find my slip. I can sense a horrible thing in the future with him in office. Its creepy. But I sure as hell don't want McCain or crazy-pro life-pro everything god and only what she aproves of-christain-Palin.

I can never sleep anymore.
I can't stop eating.

Forgeting Sarah Marshell was funny.
I really have nothing else to say.

Current Location: home

Current Mood:

confused

Current Music: comedy central

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20 April 2008 @ 02:18 pm

truth

I never told you the real reason why I want you to come to church with me. On my hated sunday mornings.

When I'm alone I usually turn my heart against everyone, the songs, and the words they say and try to sleep without making it obvious.

But when your there with me I feel happy. When your standing there beside me holding my hand I open my heart to the words and the songs, and it makes my heart sing. I love you.

And then I fall asleep on your sholder :)

---------

Yay its 420 NOT. Just a nother fucking reason to smoke weed.....get a life.....

Current Location: church

Current Mood: missing you

Current Music: the church music

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26 March 2008 @ 03:40 pm

An Update

Alright well, first post. Not really sure what to say or where to start.
And I'd like to say I'm just having a bad case of "high school angst" But it's not that.
It's life. And obviously life has it's issues big or small. So just because we have real issues in our lives, doesn't mean we have to covered it up and say we are just being "emo" so no one will judge. I say this because I do this.
Complain I will, Bitch and rant I will. But in any regards I will say what I wish.

******

I feel stuck.
I really feel like I'm not going anywhere in life.
I have this crappy 15 hr a week job. And I seriously CANNOT find another.
I've sent out over 30 applications in person and online and I haven't gotten ONE call back.
Well, I DID get one and I'm hoping to god I get it, I have an interview at Three 13 April 2nd, and I am just ridding everything I have on this. All my hopes are on getting this job, which I found out recently it's really hard to get in, they can interview you the just never call back.
It I don't get this job I will just be crushed, because It seems so hard for me, and like my mom I don't want to lower myself to McD's. Even if they do pay better. I guess maybe thats my mistake. Pride.

I need it so bad. I need to finally save up and a get a damn car and I can't do it just one this crappy job alone, so my parents will stop giving me shit, so David can finally have a break from taking me everywhere and doing everything, so I can finally afford a wedding so I can finally move out of this damn house and get an apartment and finally go somewhere in my life and feel important and Worth something,

F i n a l l y

We we're suppose to get married in August. That was what we both wanted. People tell us to wait, and I understand that well, they say if you know for a fact this is the person you love and want to be with for the rest of your life then take your time, you have forever, I agree with that. But that also isn't the problem. I want to married this boy. I love him more than anything and I want to start our lives together. I can't move out before I'm married, my family says I will "disgrace" them. And usually I would say fuck that, this is my choice. But it was my Grandma that said that, the one person I would NEVER want to disappoint or hurt. So I made my choice to stay. I can't move out with friends, none are available and theres the me with no working car issue.
So moving out with friends or alone is out.
So its just me waiting here, basically rotting away if feels...ok maybe that was a bit to extreme but it feels like it half the time.

Living with my parents is a...lets just say pain in the fucking ass.
They still treat me as if I'm 16. Brittney can't do this, Can't stay out past 12:00, this a that, yet you still have to have the responsibilities of a 30 year old. This is my house and as long as you live here you abide my my rules. All they do is give me guilt trips. Damn, I could go on for hours about my parents but I would just feel even more pathetic about the issues that I already do, so I'll skip that for the sake of my own dignity.

But what is weighting on me so much is the fact that I can't do anything. I cant do anything for David. He told me for one day, he would just love it to wake up and not have to drive anywhere, he would love it if for once I would be the one driving, paying for food etc.
And one thing he said really got to me:
"You know, one day I would like to come to you and ask if I could borrow 20 bucks for gas"
Because you would have it. It may not seem like a big deal, and he may come across as a jerk, but It not that at all....he's right.

I felt like complete shit that day, because I realize, besides love, I cannot offer anything to him. I have nothing to give. And I would give anything to help him out when he needs me, not him always having to bail me out all the time.

I never wanted to be like this, I always thought I would NEVER be a Dependant woman. I see all these women, mothers, my mom that can't do anything for them selfs and the husbands have to pay every bill and go to work, take care of everything. I find that so pathetic, but right now. Thats me. Dependant. Pathetic, and it kills me.

I think this is the first, real time in my life where I actually feel worthless.
Not worthless where your dad beats you everyday and engraves that word into your brain were you start to believe it.
Or your in high school with no friends playing with the thought of suicide.
But literately,

w o r t h l e s s

-to be continued-

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